There’s a bit of a storm outside; specifically, the third of four fronts hitting the San Francisco Bay Area this week. And despite the storm, business — and thus, the ever-so-popular commute by automobile — continues.

On Twitter and Facebook, the image of a flooded freeway (shown above) is being passed around, notably by people who didn’t go to work, aimed at people who did.

The most hilarious part of this image is the fact that this happens to be a depiction of Interstate 101 — perhaps the most notorious freeway used for commute. Normally, at this time of day (4 PM), 101 slows down to a crawl for most of its length. ABC-7, one of the local news stations around here, has footage of one lane, still submerged, open for commuters to wade through — a pretty painful sight to watch.

Abandon hope all ye who enter here? Why, yes. Yes indeed.

Here’s a fun fact: Nowhere on any article about any portion of 101 on Wikipedia does the term “rush hour” exist. However, 880 does. For people who know how bad 101 can get around here, that’s somewhat amusing. Wikipedia does mention briefly in a passage on transportation that the fabled Bay Area rush hour indeed exists, but doesn’t expound on it.

I intend to. If you’re curious —

1. “Rush hour” is hereby defined as a period of time in which congestion on freeways reaches its peak, thus delaying the arrival of commuters of all types to their intended destinations.

1.1. In the south section of the San Francisco Bay Area (hereafter referred to as the “South Bay” or the “Silicon Valley”), rush hour usually takes place during two intervals of time: from 7AM to 10:30AM, and from 2:45PM to 6:30PM.

1.1.1. Any portions of Interstate Highway 101 that are within thirty miles of a firm dealing in the technology sector or anything related is in a perpetual state of rush hour whenever the sun is visible from anywhere within the Bay Area.

1.1.2. On weekends, the Pacheco Pass Highway – California State Route 152 – has an irregular rush hour during the evening that, unbelievably enough, makes 101 look fast by comparison, due to the use of a single lane on a significant length of the roadway.

1.2. Despite these times, within the Silicon Valley, highways and freeways enable the carpool lane, a lane of traffic designed to encourage ridesharing practices (or use of “greener” vehicles, such as motorcycles and first-generation hybrid cars), during the times of 7AM to 9AM and 3PM to 7PM. Exits onto the freeway in the appropriate direction of traffic are also metered – also known as really frickin’ slow – during this time.

1.2.1. The carpool lane doesn’t exist on Interstate Highway 880. It just doesn’t. (I realize that some people may argue that Interstate Highway 101 also lacks a carpool lane. However, years of unscientific testing have revealed that 101 has a carpool lane that functions, but only whenever you cannot legally enter into and make use of it; see point 2.)

2.Rush hour is a unique phenomenon that is tailored to the life (and commute) of each individual who experiences it, in defiance of objective perception on the subject.

2.1. Rush hour will always last for the length of a person’s commute (in one direction), plus an hour.

2.1.1. Therefore, a popular method of dealing with this is to stop by at a restaurant with a view of the roadway in question to eat, effectively “tricking” the rush hour into thinking that you’re eternally stuck in traffic while, in reality, you’re just right outside of its grasp enjoying a bagel and laughing at the slow pace of traffic in front of you.

2.1.2. There is an exception to the rule: if you have somewhere really important to get to on time no matter what, rush hour will always make you late (for example, the rush hour will force someone to get into an accident, or start roadwork in the middle of the day). You may want to reschedule on a weekend, or somewhere not in the vicinity of 101 (see point 1.3), if possible.

2.2. Similar delays can, and will, apply to alternative modes of transportation, including but not limited to walking; running; unicycling, bicycling, or tricycling; VTA lightrail and buses; flying; and Native American canoe.

2.2.1. Motorcyclists are exempt from any delays, due to their ability to travel inbetween cars at fast, but highly dangerous speeds, at any time.

2.2.2. The reason why people don’t unicycle to work is because the sheer novelty of a worker commuting skillfully by unicycle will surprise and amuse everyone else – one of which is liable to get into an accident. On behalf of the workforce of the Silicon Valley, please don’t unicycle to work.

3. Certain holidays are able to invoke the phenomenon of rush hour in locations that usually do not recieve them.

3.1. New Year’s Eve/New Year’s Day. People going to see fireworks on those days will invoke afternoon/evening rush hour times (3-7 PM) throughout the Valley, despite the fact that it’s a holiday in which the vast majority of the population is exempt from work. Ironically, the fact that the majority of the population of the South Bay is exempt from work is the exact reason why New Year’s rush hour happens.

3.2. Cinco de Mayo (Mexican Independence Day). When the Mexican people flood the streets in a grand display of pride, you might not want to do business downtown (unless you’re also celebrating the event). In addition, inner-city travel slows down to a crawl, especially along the entirety of Santa Clara Street/Alum Rock Avenue.

3.3. The Fourth of July (American Independence Day). See point 3.1. It’s decidedly not as bad, however, because everyone else will have their own fireworks to shoot, in defiance of Santa Clara County’s ban on pyrotechnic display sans permit.

3.4. Labor Day. The California Highway Patrol, during Labor Day weekend (defined as being frm from Friday to Tuesday), seals off the Bay Bridge and the San Mateo Bridge, effectively rerouting a huge portion of traffic into areas in which it shouldn’t exist, effectively turning the entirety of the Silicon Valley into 101. If possible, take your vacation hours and spend it on Friday and Monday (or, alternatively, work twelve hours a day in the week leading prior to; you’ll also be timing out rush hour during those days when you do!).

3.5. Thanksgiving and Christmas Weeks. Families get together and have a jolly good time. Families somehow also cause abnormal amounts of traffic  everywhere on the way to and from (especially from – everyone’s in denial about being intoxicated!) visiting relatives. The best way to avoid this is by hosting the party at your place, but the cleanup afterwards is another issue entirely…

3.6. As an addendum to point 1.1.2, on any slightly major holiday weekend, Pacheco Pass Highway (Route 152) turns into a black hole during the afternoon/evening: once you get in, you can’t get out. Ever. Thankfully, if you can make it to Casa de Fruta, they offer (according to their website) something called Gourmet Fruit Nut Chocolate Covered Fruit Gift Baskets Healthy Fruit Pomegranate Wine. With a product name like that, it has to have the miraculous property of curing rush hour ails!

Last, but not least, a disclaimer: please don’t take this article seriously. Also, if there’s anything in particular I missed, feel free to fill in the blank with a comment below.